The Health And Safety Officer
by slenderpanda597
Summary: A lonely Martina, a surprising letter, an unfulfilled promise. What could possibly go wrong?
1. Chapter 1

(a/n - yes, more joetina drabble. I had the idea watching a couple of episodes, and decided to write it. Yes, it will be a one shot. I think all of the bread fics I do will be oneshots, as I don't have the time to write multi chapter fics. Sorry.)

The Health And Safety Officer

Martina arrived in work late one morning, suffering from a terrible head cold. After taking some medicine she had pulled herself together and marched to work, afterall, if she was off, who would take care of the Boswells? Nobody. They would be left to roam free and charm people every which way. She smiled slightly. She wouldn't mind being charmed and allowing someone to roam free. That, however, wasn't allowed. Especially as there was only one person who she would allow such privileges. And that person was not Shifty.

Martina sat at her desk, and began to sort through some forms. Today she had to go through all of the forms that people had dropped off and see if they were valid. Her work colleagues had made her stay like that, as she wasn't well. Unless any of the difficult customers came. Then she was allowed to open up her desk as an exception. Martina wasn't best pleased with the arrangements. Didn't her work colleagues realise that she could look after herself? Nobody seemed to realise that Martina was perfectly capable of looking after herself. Why didn't anyone believe in her?

Martina rolled her eyes as she sorted through her pile. She was bored, and couldn't wait to get home. Then, she found it. Towards the bottom of the pile there was an envelope addressed to her. She was puzzled, but opened it all the same. Inside there was a letter:

'Dear Martina, it has come to our attention that you have now been loyally serving the DHSS for almost a decade. Therefore, you have been selected to become a health and safety officer. This should be kept confidential, due to the fact that health and safety officers get added bonuses, which cannot be given to anyone else. For your training with our current expert in health and safety, please go to your local protestant church's function room at 7pm on Saturday. Thank you.'

Martina smiled to herself. It was nice to feel valued, and nobody she knew in the world valued her. She had once told Shifty that she thought all of the nice people were dead. She was right. They were. She grimaced. Why had she been stupid enough to get involved with the unofficial Boswell? She grimaced again, for she knew why, deep down. She had gotten involved with Shifty for one simple reason. Love.

The only problem was, it wasn't Shifty that she loved, it was somebody else. Another rogue, but this time, a much more lovable rogue. A lovable rogue that Shifty knew very well. And had the dreadful relationship gotten her anywhere except disappointment and heartache? No.

She sighed, and put the letter in her bag. At least she now had health and safety officer training to look forward for. She wondered what bonuses being a health and safety officer might entail. She hoped that they would be enjoyable.


	2. Chapter 2

(okay, I didn't have time so I split it into mini chapters as I wanted to get it up! Forgive me!)

Part 2

On Saturday night at 6:45pm Martina could be seen entering the church hall. She didn't believe in being late, and she wanted to make a good impression on the expert. However, when she went in she found herself confronted by an empty room. She wasn't bothered by this; she was 15 minutes early. So, she stood in the room, watching the clock, waiting for her course to start.

As the hands on the clock grew increasingly closer to 7:00, she became worried. Was she in the right church hall? Then she heard the voice behind her.

"Greetings."

She turned, slowly, not believing that she had heard right. But, sure enough, she had heard correctly.

"Mister Bosw-ELL YOU BLOODY IMBECILE!" she shrieked, for the man in question had just hoisted her over his shoulders in an elegant fireman's lift, and he was grinning like the Cheshire cat, clearly enjoying every moment of it.

"why if it isn't the lovely Martina!" he chuckled. "how are you, sweetheart?"

"what do you think you are doing with me, mister Boswell?" she asked, trying not to show just how much she too was enjoying the situation. Her mind was racing at just how daring, gallant and strong the man was, as no man had ever been so, well, intimate with her before. "mister Boswell, I am expecting a health and safety expert, what will they say if they arrive, late, I might add, and see you here with me. In a protestant church. What would your mother say?"

"oh, loads sweetheart, loads, and I know just what the expert would say. They would point out that they are not late, and compliment you on your lovely slim body, sweetheart."

"seriously mister Boswell?"

"they would, for I am the health and safety expert."


	3. Chapter 3

(a/n - ooh, drama, right? Nope, not really, as this is just joetina drabble, with not really much plot.)

Part 3

Martina gasped.

"no... No... The suave mister Boswell, a health and safety officer? So that's what you do in your spare time eh? Tutor people in protestant church halls? Actually... If you have this job, you won't be needing me anymore will you? I've got you now, mister Boswell!" she grinned triumphantly.

"actually, sweetheart, no. I am not a health and safety officer, I am just your health and safety officer. And my fam-il-y's of course, but they only get the money to sort themselves out, you get the full physical side o' things." he smiled back. "the proddy hall is so that me mam won't see us, and Oswald let's me have it sometimes as I say I'll clean it. And another minor flaw in your plan, the DHSS was crucial in getting you here, sweetheart. And I've got you. Not the other way around." then he swung her effortlessly around to that she was over his other shoulder, his hands placed around her body in a compromising position.

Martina was actually secretly glad that she had come, although she knew that she should be angry as he had tricked her. However, it was a Saturday evening, and what would she have been doing at home? Sat fantasizing about what she wanted and moping over why she hadn't got it. And, if she was lucky, ranting about Shifty. She decided that she would much rather be in a church hall, slung over Joey Boswell's shoulders with his manly hands around her body and the scent of leather in the air. Then, she realised that he was expecting her to speak. She thought of a clever sentence to retort with, something that would get him back under her thumb.

"your leather is beginning to stick to my blouse." is what eventually came out if her mouth. She internally cursed herself for allowing her mouth to open without checking with her brain first. Now, she had said the most awkward sentence possible, the one that told him that things were getting rather, well, heated.

"ah darling, that's the beauty of this isn't it? You're up there and I am down here. But it had to be done."

"what?"

"the lift. I did promise you that I would go through the manoeuvre with you sometime, didn't I? And I don't like breaking my promises."

"so you took me by surprise?"

"well, sweetheart, would you have let me put my arms around you and throw your body over mine if I hadn't have take you by surprise?" he said flirtatiously. Martina smiled to herself. In for the penny, in for the pound, she decided to play him back at his own game.

"that depends, mister Boswell, that depends..." she replied huskily.

"really, sweetheart? So if we were in the DHSS you'd let me?"

"if it was burning down"

"what about if we were alone?"

"well mister Boswell, as your charms are so hard to resist..."

"see, Martina, I knew you were completely besotted with me."

"don't push your luck, mister Boswell, or I may head back to my home. Alone." she couldn't resist putting volumes of emphasis on the final word. She was surprised at how much fun she was having. It was actually really enjoyable, flirting with Joey Boswell. Well, he was Joey, and Martina wasn't going to complain if he was flirting with her, or accompanying her, on a Saturday evening. Their motives just seemed a little, well, inappropriate for the church setting. She prayed that god wasn't listening in to her private thoughts, or he would get a shock when he saw what Martina was imagining. She shuddered. Imagine if anyone knew what was going through the mature and dignified DHSS lady's head! She was snapped back to reality when he replied, however.

"ah, that's a shame, sweetheart, as I need to lock this place up, and you still haven't received your full training or the start of your bonuses yet, and I am afraid you cannot leave my side until you have. Do you know of any place we could go?"

"has the Boswell mansion got a studio or five free?" she quipped.

"very funny, sweetheart, very funny. However, I was thinking of somewhere more... Private." Martina couldn't resist his charms any longer. "there's my place then, mister Boswell, if you insist."

"and is there suitable accommodation for myself if the training lasts too long?"

"the sofa."

"perfect! Shall I give you a lift?"

"I think you already have." she indicated their position.

"I mean in my luxury car..."

"oh, the one you've permanently borrowed from your friend?"

"the very same. Come on, sweetheart."

And with that, Joey Boswell went out into the night with Martina slung over his shoulders. They would finish their training elsewhere.


End file.
